


Life (After Love)

by stonyindustries



Series: Ghosts [1]
Category: Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Civil War Team Iron Man, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, M/M, Post-Captain America: Civil War (Movie), Song Lyrics, Song fic, Tony Stark Needs a Hug, mmm more like hopeful
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-13
Updated: 2019-01-13
Packaged: 2019-10-09 07:32:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,164
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17402684
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stonyindustries/pseuds/stonyindustries
Summary: His life could be divided into lots of little “after’s:”After his parents’ death, after Afghanistan, after Pepper.After Steve Rogers.





	Life (After Love)

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by the song “Belive” by Cher

After Siberia, it takes him, well, a while would be an understatement, but it takes him time and extensive employment of his refined avoidance tactics to look anyone in the eye properly. It takes longer to hold a conversation that lasts more than three sentences, and even longer for the nightmares and constant anxiety that twists in his chest to subside.  
In his head, he puts it down to anger; at Steve, of course.

_No matter how hard I try_  
_You keep pushing me aside_

Further in his head, he knows it’s shame. Embarrassment. Self-loathing. And further still, he knows why that is.  
  
“Stark men are made of steel. We’re better than that prissy “love” shit, boy.”  
After that little conversation with dear old Dad, he swore - well, he wasn’t sure, really. Likely it was something defiantly compliant; something that could be acted on if Howard was being a particular asshole but could also be pushed aside should Father dearest ever do more than occasionally acknowledge his presence. God, he was pathetic.  
Anyway, he couldn’t quite remember what he swore, but he had a sneaking suspicion it was something painfully naïve and juvenile. Something like never falling in love.  
After Afghanistan, after the betrayal of a man he loved like the Father Howard could never be, he swore it again, although unconsciously. Getting that close to someone, even the idea of it terrified him, made him dizzy with paranoia and self-doubt. But as the months wore by, every time he lurched awake at night, the idea of having someone to turn to became more and more appealing.  
The comfort and stability so many found with love.  
The happiness he finally found with Pepper, happiness he’d bitterly decided wasn’t worth it after Pepper.

Actually, now that he thought about it, he supposed his life could be divided into lots of little “after’s”. After his parents’ death, after Afghanistan, after Pepper; after Steve Rogers.  
It was the last on that was the kicker.  
After Steve Rogers burst into his life and ignited something in Tony that he hadn’t been sure existed until then.  
After Tony fell in love while swearing up and down to himself that he wasn’t, but then who was he kidding, really? He was gone the minute Rogers arrived at his workshop with an offering of greasy burgers and an earnest apology for the whole helicarrier fiasco.  
Steve Rogers, with his determination and fire and loyalty and compassion.  
And that bull-headed stubbornness.

 _I_ _can’t_ _break_ _through_  
_There’s no talking to you_

And now, there’s another after. After Siberia. Or “after I was horribly betrayed by my best friend who then left me to die while he hauled ass with his best friend, who was, decidedly, not me.”  
But whatever, it’s all relative. Probably, he should have seen it coming. All good things must come to an end after all and Steve Rogers was the best thing that had ever happened to him (and the worst thing to ever leave him).

_It’s so sad that you’re leaving_  
_It takes time to believe it_

He stares into the amber liquid, which clearly isn’t strong enough if he’s still this coherent, and tries not to dwell on what he does now. After the Avengers. He supposes he’s leader now, with Rogers gone. Or leader of what’s left, anyway. He doesn’t want to dwell on that either.

_What am I supposed to do_  
_Sit around and wait for you_

Pep, bless her, keeps trying to coerce him into seeing a therapist and sending him promotional e-mails from some organization that proclaim the benefits of talking about your problems over tea and a good night’s sleep. Frankly, he’d rather take a repulsor blast to the face.  
What he needs is to be absolutely fucking wasted, which for some reason he still isn’t. There’s a part of his brain that still hasn’t quite processed the last few months, some part that sounds suspiciously like the man himself, that keeps whispering about his health or some such shit. He’s imagining the classic Eyebrows of Dissapproval.  
Anyway, he’s surprised Pepper hasn’t joined forces with Rhodey in order to physically drag him to therapy, although seeing as he’s put the lab in lock down, that might be a little challenging.  
Maybe that’s what him and Steve should have done. Got couples therapy. Couple as in co-leaders, because they were never a couple, not really. Just in his head; in little scenarios he’d make up because he was too chicken shit to do anything about his crush. Although, sometimes he likes to think he noticed Steve returning lingering glances, leaning into soft touches. But no, that was clearly just him projecting and wouldn’t have made a difference regardless. Because Barnes is Steve’s friend and that seemed to nullify any other friends.  
Ah yes, bitterness, my old friend.

After a prolonged seven months of beating himself up, he caves and sees a therapist. What the hell, might as well pay someone so he can bitch and whine and not feel bad about it. Pepper and Rhodey and Peter and relieved. Because he’s got Peter now.  
Peter, friendly neighborhood Spider-Man with a brain to rival Tony’s own and the knack for getting into trouble to match. Peter, who turns down his offer of joining the Avengers and already is a better person than Tony will ever be. Peter, who is simultaneously one of the best things to ever happen to him and a cruel shadow of what he could have had with Steve.  
Rogers.  
It’s Rogers now, in his head, because Steve was his best friend, but Rogers is his worst “what if.” And it’s only in his head because Steve’s not here, Steve left him.  
He’d always warned himself away from pursuing anything with Rogers because you’ll fuck it up, he doesn’t even like you, you don’t deserve him. Well, maybe he doesn’t deserve him, just not in the way that he thought.

‘ _Cause I’ve got time to think it through_  
_And maybe I’m too good for you_

It’s takes time and effort and sometimes he still wakes up scrabbling for the arc reactor that’s no longer there, feeling the phantom weight of Steve pressing down on the armour. Well, not sometimes, more than he’d care to admit. But he has Rhodey, Pepper and Peter to help him through and he’s finally starting to know that.

_Do you believe in life after love?_

He loved Steve Rogers, but it’s been nearly two years since he ran off with Barnes and the only contact he’s made is a flimsy apology and a phone so out of date Tony feels, frankly, offended by it. So, if Rogers can get out of this unscathed then he’s damn well not going to let it drag him down.   
He is Iron Man. More than that, he is Tony Stark, the futurist, and he will not let his next “after” be another long suffering misery.

_I don’t need you anymore._

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading, I really hope you enjoyed it.  
> I hope to add Steve’s POV post-CW and possibly a reunion as well, so keep an eye out for that!


End file.
